How can men be so excited about having sex and not be excited about falling in love?

Once again I have had to face a death, this time my step dad who has been in my life for 27 years, it was hard…really hard.  I spent 5 days with the family and 2 days with mom, I love her so much.  I cried half the way back to Nashville thinking of her and how she must feel and how she is missing Elwyn.  I have had a few weeks or so to try to get back in the groove, it’s just not happening.  I am sad, I am unsure of what direction to go for getting new work, I am feeling lost in so many ways yet I still feel grateful for all that I have.  I have a loving family and the most beautiful friends I have ever had in my life.

With all that has happened over the past 6 months I have come to realize how true it is that in a split second your life can change.  Although I am feeling challenged with life right now I believe that it is something that is supposed to happen and I have to find the good in it all.

On another note…I have had the opportunity to spend more time with a really good “guy” friend and I have had a new insight to many of the men of my past.  I have many great guy friends but this one in particular is more open in his sharing.  I realize that all men are different but my friend…lets call him James, is acting in ways that I would have imagined or perhaps complained about in regards to the differences in men and women.  It is obviously we are all different but do the majority of men really fall in the same category when it comes to the ways they are with women?

Here is what I have observed through James.  First off he does not take an initiative to fully say what he wants to women he is seeing.  It only strengthens my worry that men are not good a communicating.  Why is it so hard to just say or to ask for something.  It seems they are so worried with the answer, or perhaps the questions leading up to the answer that they just don’t acknowledge things.  Avoidance seems to be the key to their existence.  Now don’t get me wrong I do understand that we women tend to ask a lot of questions and with the answers, if we are lucky enough to get them, we may not like the answers, we may pass judgment, we may even get upset, but is that really all that bad.  I remember the frustration I would have when I would ask my ex-husband a question and wait for minutes and sometimes never getting an answer.  I could see his mind working wondering what the right answer was rather than what he truly felt.  It was so frustrating to both he and I and so unnecessary.  Why can’t we as men and women just say the truth in how we feel about something with out passing judgment and from our own viewpoint rather than beating around the bush, lying or avoiding?

James also brought a new thought into my mind after seeing how he has handled some of his dating relationships, opting to not say why he was no longer interested in a woman but just avoiding and not calling her.  I know we women usually do that because we are afraid of hurting the guy’s feelings, if after a few dates we find ourselves not wanting to see the person again we may avoid answering the phone calls.  The difference for me is there was no intimacy with the guy other than kissing where as James has had intimacy and then avoidance.  As a woman if I have had intimacy and no longer want to be involved with the guy and if we have been out on a regular basis I think it is appropriate to tell the guy it just is not working rather than hiding and not answering the calls.  Guys seem to be different in that respect and it seems almost like they wanted to get the girl to bed and once the conquest is tackled they move on to the next.  I have talked to James about this and explained that for me I am not the one night stand kind of girl nor am I the 2-3 date kind of lady.  I want to know the guy a little before giving in and really spending time with them.  I once had a great guy friend tell me he always thought to him self “would this woman be marriage material”  before sleeping with her.  I never really understood his thinking because he still seemed to sleep with them all but it did show that he at least had some deeper thought about the act before moving forward.  So I asked James….are there any women out there like me who don’t give in so easily?  He just laughed…. so many times I have gone on 2-3 dates, had a great time, really liked the guy but felt at that point there was a bit of an expectation for the next step and after my not wanting to cross that bridge realized the calls stopped.

Doesn’t sex change everything and what is so bad about waiting a little while?  I would be willing to bet that at least 85% of women who sleep with a guy on the first, second or third date seldom have many more after that, if they do chances are the sex is great or that is all that there is in the relationship.  I am not saying that sex is bad but I have to wonder, am I the only one holding out these days?  Am I really that lame and old fashion?  How can a guy have multiple sex partners in the same week with out any feelings of regret and how can men be so excited about having sex and not be excited about falling in love?  My best gf says all men are the same and think from the same place, I get upset with her because in my mind I choose to believe there are some men out there who are not that way…or even if they think that way they are not acting on the urge, have some sort of restraint and morals outside of sex.  So guys if there are any out there who are HONESTLY different step forward please and prove me right!!!

Working through the with intention, love and inspiration. Sharing my life experiences both good and bad in hopes of being a positive inspiration to others.


  • svensk

    again… it almost seems to come down to standards. men who have women falling over them have little reason to want a woman to love them; men who love women don’t seem to be deserving of love, according to the women. i’m obviously not the caliber of James but guys like me wish we knew how to convince good women that we were worth their time.

  • Amy V

    This is your BF:)

    Great honesty here- and I think that you are going to help a lot of people think and ask these ?’s for themselves…

    As for me telling you all men are the same- I have said this before – but will clarify now- I in no way mean that as a slight.:)

    We, women, will never- ever change the ability of men to have sex without emotion attached. Men sleep around because having sex to them- especially in younger years- is like what it would be for you and I to go to the spa. It is wonderful! Amazing- pampering- fantastic!!! When we leave the spa- we aren’t attached or in love- we go on feeling great and relaxed because we have done something pleasurable and enjoyable. And we don’t call again until we are ready for some more:)

    As men grow older- only then- and not all of them- begin to have a longing for something deeper.

    I do believe there are men who have the make-up within themselves to place relevance and importance to sex. There are men who are enough in their hearts to want sex with emotion- and to love what comes with that(no pun:)…but it is not a majority of society at this time.

    All I know is you are an AMAZING beautiful- uber talented woman!(yes, I said uber:)

    There is an equally amazing man out there who will respect and adore every inch of you!

    Keep writing MAMA!XO

  • Alan Matthews

    I think stereotyping is a bad idea in general. However, I see your point and yes men are driven by the drive certainly. But having said that, I think men do want love. I do. I did when I was single. Sex does change everything but good men aren’t just dominating and moving on – they are staying and enjoying the relationship and the intimacy.

    But waiting is the best thing for sure. It clouds everything else and makes you over look things you may not should be overlooking.

    • thinkingdiva

      Thank you Alan for the insight, I also believe there are some men out there who want love and I believe both male and female’s alike tend to be much like those they grew up with as far as how they love, trust and act. It all makes for a beautiful yet challenging tapestry of life!

  • Leah

    Yes! Tell me the answer if you get one… I think if men have women falling all over them then they are going to take advantage of the moment and sleep with them. And most of the time they are not going to take the woman seriously if they slept with them quickly because they think the women will sleep with everyone quickly. But if a man stops calling because you didn’t sleep with him, then thank your lucky stars that you didn’t get further involved with a boy-wanna-be-a-man. If you really want a man it takes time to find. And age has nothing to do with rather a guy is a boy or a man. Ask me. I have never been married or engaged because I do want to take my time and find a great man, not a boy. And nowadays you have to weed through the boys to find a man. 🙂 So, don’t give up and walk away from all of those boys! 😉

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