Life & death, letting go of lack and pondering judgment….

I’ve not blogged in a while and I have been upset with myself for not doing so.  My step father is dying and it is incurable (maybe 30 days according to a medical friend) and I feel like life is testing my strength every day.   I’m not going to blog about that but it is what has been going through my mind…and the worry for my mother and how she must be feeling.  All of my thoughts lately have been centered around life and death, with three deaths last year and two the year before.  Surely there is more to look forward to when getting older than watching all those close to you die.  I am saying that loosely completely knowing that there are many wonderful, loving and entertainingly beautiful times ahead.

The other thing I have been dealing with, like so many others is the lack of work which in turn seems to make me feel unimportant.  Self-employed creative people, as much as we try, feel empty when others are not paying attention. In my current state I don’t feel needed and as an artist it makes me question my worth.  All I want to do is work, to create, but I am having a tough time getting the jobs.  I have done a ton of bids and nothing, I feel like a number and I want to feel like that person that creates like no other.  We always hear people say that it is in our lowest times that the greatest things happen and I have seen some reflection of that recently.  I have realized how very selfish I am.  I tend to hold on to things, whether they are thoughts, physical items or money knowing I should be more giving of myself.  I see it happening often and I realize that just the “realization” is a step toward change.  Today I actually caught myself, was angry at myself for the act and in that moment of realization I smiled looking into the sky and said “ahh now I see, there is a lesson in all of this, bring it on!”  I have been emotional the past few weeks and have found myself spending time alone dealing as I often do.  Truth is I think there are many more people out there dealing with the same  roller-coaster of emotions.  Trying not to buy into the hype of lack, realizing just to say “I don’t believe it is that bad out there” does nothing, you have to truly believe it.  You have to feel it as truth inside otherwise all you seem to get is more lack.

Then there is my wonder if there is actually someone out there who is reading this?  I have so much to learn about the web and marketing a blog.  How do I get people to find this blog and is there anything I say worthy to anyone else?  I just can’t say…I hear crickets.

Lastly I have been pondering our state of affairs as humans right now and have come to realize there is something that I wish did not exist, that I feel is the root of all evil.  No, it is not money although I use to think it was.  In reality money is nothing until you put meaning to it and we all have a different view of what it is to us based on how we were brought up (which in itself can be pretty messed up).  So what is it you ask, that if removed from our lives would, in my opinion, allow good things to come to us all? ” JUDGMENT! ” As humans we have been individually conditioned by those we grew up around and we make others wrong for everything that is not relevant to how we were raised.  We pass judgment whether it be in relation to color of skin, religion, culture, manners, the way we dress, what we eat or even the way we talk.  Even I am guilty…and I feel strongly that we often never see that the pure act of judgment lessens the love that exist in this world.  Imagine if there were no such thing…just for a moment imagine that judgment did not exist.  I realize that we are all human and as human beings we all have some form of inner judgment not only toward others but also toward ourselves.  It seems to me that if there was no such thing as judgment life would be filled with much more meaning and love which in turn would make us happier.  I have always tried to think of others as individuals not as categories, my mother often said to me as a child…”always put yourself in the other person’s shoes before saying or doing something.”  From that I always try to see things from the other persons perspective before saying or acting upon.  I have often wondered if this is a lack of accountability? If I don’t say or stand up for what I believe does that make me weak?  It is a touchy subject and I believe that we are entitled to have our opinions, choose our own food, religion or political views, look the way we want to look and so on as long as we allow others to do the same without making them wrong and without harming anyone else in the process.  After all isn’t it incredible that we are different, that we have the ability to be different?  How boring would it be if we were all exactly the same.  Individuality is a beautiful thing and if we all would allow each of us to be as we want without judgment maybe the world would be a better place.  Think about it…Religious wars for example, people are dying because they judge or are being judged on their beliefs. I don’t believe my God or Spirit or what ever you want to call it would ever want death to come to someone just because they didn’t believe in him.  That’s my 2 cents….until next time!

Working through the with intention, love and inspiration. Sharing my life experiences both good and bad in hopes of being a positive inspiration to others.


  • Leslie Ellis

    What a thoughtful and deeply personal piece. I understand the life of an artist to the very core. Art must be meaningful or it feels forced and artificial but it’s also meant to be shared. This duality is both crazy-making and a necessary balance.

    Just know there’s another thinking diva out there who thinks your work is amazing and important…just…hang…in…there….

  • svensk

    Great insight into passing judgment, it reminds me a lot of the Humanist philosophy where the point is to live life without infringing on others right to live life without strife but it recognizes, like you did, that being human we have the possibility of faltering. The key to bettering yourself is like you said, when you do pass judgment or falter that you recognize it, step back, evaluate what you did, if possible correct any damage done & do your best not to repeat that situation.

  • Heather

    Hey! Just stumbled across this and want to break up the crickets a bit. Someone’s listening somewhere, and even if they weren’t, some times typing it all out makes it worth it. At least…that’s what I think.

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